Humour for Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)

Lord, put one hand on my shoulder, and the other over my mouth.

I got these today, and thought they were funny, the lighter side of life.

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Comference.
5. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little
behind in his work.
6. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
7. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
8. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was described
as a small medium at large.
9. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
10. A thief fell in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
11. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with
stalking.
12. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always
multiply.
13. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
14. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a
number on it.
15. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on
shaky ground.
16. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
17. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your
memory.
18. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
19. A backward poet writes inverse.
20. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
21. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
22. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
23. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in
Linoleum Blownapart.
24. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
25. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
26. A calendar's days are numbered.
27. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
28. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
29. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.
30. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
31. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd
dye.

Peace, Walk Good.