Paraprosdokian

This came across my desk, so I thought I would share.

Paraprosdokian sentences

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

Ø We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Ø War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... So I said "Implants?"

Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Ø I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.

Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Walk Good

Humour for Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)

Lord, put one hand on my shoulder, and the other over my mouth.

I got these today, and thought they were funny, the lighter side of life.

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Comference.
5. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little
behind in his work.
6. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
7. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
8. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was described
as a small medium at large.
9. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
10. A thief fell in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
11. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with
stalking.
12. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always
multiply.
13. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
14. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a
number on it.
15. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on
shaky ground.
16. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
17. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your
memory.
18. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
19. A backward poet writes inverse.
20. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
21. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
22. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
23. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in
Linoleum Blownapart.
24. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
25. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
26. A calendar's days are numbered.
27. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
28. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
29. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.
30. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
31. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd
dye.

Peace, Walk Good.